Today is the day. Finally it’s here! The day of our insemination. It’s strange how things change. I was never this girl. For as long as I could remember that I wanted to be a mom but I never pictured it ever this way. I was the girl who did a research project on natural childbirth and the usage of a doula in the home. The hyped up, “I’d never need an epidural”, “high pain tolerance” sorta person. I never pictured working so closely with the miracle of science just to level the playing field for our chance at a baby.

I didn’t sleep well last night…really I haven’t slept well in about ten days. This is due in part to the crazy hot flashes I get as a side effect from the Clomid, as well as being uncomfortable from growing follicles in my swollen ovaries but also due to sheer anxiety.

I have battled anxiety and depression since middle school. I was put on Paxil to manage it along with counseling. As I’ve grown older i’ve adapted coping skills and seemed to improve in my day to day life.  The challenging part for me is that when we started trying conceive two years ago my OBGYN felt it best to tapered off Paxil. Paxil is in a family of drugs known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and can cause birth defects. Without Paxil my life with anxiety has become challenging.

Our day began with Adam’s appointment at 8:15am. We went to the lab where they showed him to a room to do his half of the job. At the completion of this we drove a few blocks to a Denny’s shadowed by all the tall downtown Minneapolis buildings. We enjoyed a hot breakfast and chatted, it was casual and calm and as an outsider you’d think we were a couple out for breakfast on a Saturday morning.

An hour passes and we head back to the Center for Reproductive Medicine. I’m nervous and Adam prays over us on the elevator ride up. I hold his hand as a few tears stream down my face. The time is now.

After checking in and waiting for a brief period of time a nurse calls us to an exam room. She asks me to confirm Adam’s name and date of birth on the vial she has in her hand. She explains how she will insert the catheter and inject the vial and then I will lay for twenty minutes and be able to go about my day as usual.

I assume the position, foot in strips as Adam holds my hand. He makes a joke about how I might be in the same position nine months from now but instead in a delivery room. The nurse does her thing as I wince from the pressure I feel. I squeeze Adam’s hand and feel some cramping. As she finishes she sets a timer and explains that I can leave when the twenty minutes are up.

The “20 minute lay”

I lay there shaking. Partly due to excitement, part due to anxiety, and part because it’s winter and cold.  After twenty minutes I get dressed and we gather our things. Our morning is gone and we ride silently in the elevator to ground floor. That just happened… Now we wait and pray for a miracle.