Hope is Dangerous Thing

Adam has been very busy with work recently. This past week was particularly busy and a reality for what it means to be “salaried”.  Adam worked a lot as there was a “go live” project and naturally with transitions some technology hiccups were encountered. As a result Adam put in two 14 hour days on Thursday and Friday working late into the night. Since our Friday tradition for is to go out for the 2 for $20 special at Chili’s I busted out a childhood favorite: Craft Mac and cheese. I love adding veggies to my mac and cheese and always try to sneak a carrot or two into Adam’s portion. Mac and cheese is not the most nutritious but it is a comfort food, and reminder of my childhood and a simpler time when life was less complicated.

mac n cheese

Saturday morning came early as I had a monitoring appointment for this, our last round or IUI. Adam had worked until 1am or so and was quite tired but like any supportive husband sacrificed his sleep to hold my hand on this day. My appointment was at 7:00am so we left the house by 6:15am to make the trek to Minneapolis. The roads were void of most traffic and the darkness fit my feelings as we road in silence.


We checked in and sat in the waiting room. Since this is our last round I have been doing acupuncture, and added herb supplements, as well as continue to take folic acid and prenatal to hopefully give it everything we got. This round I have not felt anything so I was not optimistic and even contemplated skipping the ultrasound to tell me that there was no hope.

The Waiting RoomThe Waiting Room

IMAG2531Sign in the waiting room…I read it each time I visit

With all of my rounds up to this point I endure moderate pressure and pain located on one side or the other in my pelvic region signaling the growth of follicles and ovary stimulation. In the past I had issues sleeping as the pain would be unsettling. But alas I have no such pain. As Adam and I waited in the chairs we spoke of how this could very well be the last time we set foot in this place.

The nurse finally called us back after several minutes. Following the usual procedure undressing and assuming the position they carried out the ultrasound. I was shocked to discover that I had three follicles, including one on my right ovary. This is a big deal for me since my right ovary had only produced a follicle one other time in this two year journey. Perhaps the acupuncture is working? Maybe it’s the herbs? Or could it be that I’m so distracted in researching adoption that my stress has been greatly reduced? Whatever it is, I’m glad it seems to be working.

The nurse tells me she want to see us back on Tuesday to make sure they keep growing. I have had multiple follicles before but as with any round, medicated or not, one follicle fights to become dominant and the rest “fall off”. We left and headed to the pharmacy to pick up my trigger shot, which will *hopefully* be administered Wednesday or Thursday of this coming week.

As we drive home I am shocked and filled with hope. Adam tries to keep me grounded and tells me that this “doesn’t necessarily mean anything”, and he’s right. We’ve had this before and follicles disappear or my body fails, but, I have hope yet again. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope I think is the only emotion that can cause one to forget such sorrow and pain. Hope forgets, hope endures, and hope overcomes. Hope is a dangerous feeling.

We return home and I head to bed. Adam, more tired than I, launches into working on the snafus that are still unresolved with the IT project. Life goes on as normal. I am now in the anxious period of time. Trying not to obsess, or stress but it is not an easy feat. I try to remain distracted as I pin items on Pinterest related to adoption and work on our website. I have hope once again, but as with previous rounds it is not in medicine or doctors.  My hope comes from God, my maker. Surely God works through the medications and my team of physicians, but my hope rests in God. Our prayer this round is more than just asking God for something we so badly want it’s a prayer for a miracle.

Apart from God, the world it is an awful, hopeless place. But with God’s help, we can make it. Jeremiah helps us remember what God has to say about us. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 NLT. I have hope but know that it’s God’s plan not our desire that will unfold.


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