“I don’t feel any different…”
This is the phrase I state to my husband each morning I awake within our two week wait. I wake up praying to feel nauseous, have cramps, fatigue, something to indicate that maybe our last IUI worked. But alas, there is nothing. Today marked ten days past our IUI. I have a blood test in two days so I broke down and decided to test. I don’t know why I thought that was a good idea.
Waiting two minutes for results seems like an eternity. I look and look and rotate and tilt the stick but… only a single line appears. One would think that recovering from the disappointment and heartache of a negative test should get easier to deal with the more times I encounter it, but that is not the case.
It comes in all shapes and sizes. In this instance it comes with a failed test for the last time, confirming that our journey to conceive biological children is over. It’s taken two years to get to this point. Two years of trial, two years of stress, letdown, disappointment and a reminder month after month of failure. I know many couples go many years longer than we have but I feel as though we have been pretty aggressive and we both have simply hit our limit.
I have wanted to be a mother since I can remember. I mothered my younger two sisters starting when I was three. At the tender age of five I was certain when my baby sister was born that she was a real baby doll for me to play with and care for. I loved helping. Getting diapers, toys and even preparing formula bottles when my sister was past the “fragile newborn” phase. My love for children extended beyond my immediate family. Babysitting, orchestrating “summer school” for our neighbors, 4-H day camps, assisting with VBS and eagerly waiting to hold each baby as our extended family of cousins grew. Motherhood was never a question for me.
I know God can work miracles but doctors and science tells me that being a mother will not come about naturally. While negative tests have come before, this one hits hardest. Sadness, anger, disappointment, hurt and frustrated feelings wash over me again. I turn to God in anger, yes, anger and in questioning His plan as if I knew what was best for us. God does not leave His children alone in their trials. I’m convinced that God has placed this mountain in our life to use us for a higher purpose. Our spirits may be dampened but our faith is not shaken, in fact, these trials have caused Adam and I to be more faithful in our devotional and prayer life.
Hebrews 11:1 says “…faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” When someone has a sickness or ailment and they become healed after prayer or a blessing, their faith is strengthened. For those who aren’t healed but continue to be faithful their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting. I know that God is perfecting our faith even through this negative test, which for us must mean the latter. We have faith.